The Lowdown
A space created with rangatahi for rangatahi
Welcome to the Lowdown, a space created with rangatahi, for rangatahi. Find support here for your hauora, identity, culture and mental health.
Who is behind the Lowdown.
The Lowdown, a space created with rangatahi for rangatahi. Here you can learn, express and engage around your hauora, identity, culture and mental health.
This site is still a work in progress and there is much more yet to come, so we invite you to explore and learn from what you find here today, but also don’t forget to check back again soon – we’ve got some awesome things in the works with many more opportunities for you to connect, engage and enjoy.
Thanks
We would like to thank the rangatahi, creatives, experts, production teams and developers who all contributed to make this site possible. We also express our thanks to the Ministry of Health for giving this site zero-rated data, meaning that for all Spark, Skinny, Vodafone, 2degrees, Slingshot or Orcon users, nothing you view or browse on this website will use any of your mobile data and you can access it regardless of how much data you have
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For some of us, our whānau is defined by our whakapapa and the connections we hold. For others, your whānau is the people and the place that you feel that you belong to, a part of your life that is deeply connected to your identity. Whānau relationships are different for everyone because they’re made up of unique individuals with different needs, personalities, opinions and ways of doing things.
What does a positive whānau relationship look like?
In an ideal whānau relationship, your whānau would be your foundation of happiness and success, as a lot of your mental and physical well-being is based on these relationships. When you have strong, healthy whānau relationships you are able to experience feelings of connection, security and safety and they can ultimately lift you up.
Remember that it’s not a one-sided relationship either – try to make sure that you interact with your whānau with the same aroha, respect and acceptance that you need from them.
If you have a healthy, positive relationship with your whānau, they might:
Openly accept you for who you are and celebrate what makes you special
Have a positive impact on you, helping you to feel loved, respected, safe, secure and supported.
Keep open and honest communication between whānau members and continue to work on having good communication skills
Set clear and consistent boundaries that uphold respect and prioritise your safety
Spend regular time together
Seek healthy outlets for frustrations, conflict and worries, and communicate with each other if something is wrong
Solve problems together
Celebrate your culture together in ways that enrich your life
What if we’re not like that?
It’s very common for whānau to struggle in some or even all of these areas. Struggling to do these things does not automatically make your whānau bad people or a toxic environment for you, but it is important to know what a positive relationship is and what’s not ok.
If your whānau goes through a big change, things might get really tough at times. Your relationships with whānau members may be a bit rocky or you may find yourself under pressure or struggling to communicate how you’re feeling or what you need from your loved ones. Most of these things are part of the ups and downs of whānau life, and it’s completely normal to have struggles, disagreements and arguments, and to go through times where your whānau make you feel a bit down. No whānau is perfect and that’s okay.
It’s important to remember that while your whānau are a central part of your life and deserve respect, you also deserve to have your voice heard. You are the expert on your own cultural values & upbringing and you know your whānau well.
Make sure that you look after your individual happiness by doing the things you love and taking time to care for yourself, and this will give you strength so that as you go about communicating and interacting with your whānau, you can make the right choices to protect everyone (including you), and help ensure that every word and thought you share is cloaked in aroha and grace.
What’s not ok?
In some cases, you may realise that the way your whānau is treating you is not ok. It can be incredibly hard to accept that the people you love are not being good to you, so it may help you to understand some of the red flags you should look out for.
A whānau member who is treating you in a way that’s not ok might do some of these things:
Tries to guilt trip, manipulate or control you
Does not make you feel safe
Hurts you or someone else physically, or touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable
Doesn’t respect your boundaries or what you have to say
Tells you that you’re not good enough or says hurtful and unkind things to you
Constantly fights or is in conflict with you or other whānau members
It’s important to know that all of these things are never ok and it’s not your fault.
If someone in your whānau is treating you in any of the above ways, it’s really important that you talk to someone about it. If you can, it might be a good choice to talk to your parents or caregivers but if they are the ones acting in this way or they don’t listen to you, talk to someone you trust outside of your whānau and ask them for help. If you haven’t got anyone to talk to, you can text, call or dm Youthline or What’s Up to talk with someone who cares and can offer you support and advice.
If your whānau need to make some changes, it can be a pretty tough thing to work through and that’s ok. You don’t have to address this until you’re ready and you can take as much time as you need.
If things are really bad and you feel worried for your safety, contact Women's Refuge or one of the support services listed at Are You OK – they have support systems that can help you leave an unsafe situation.
To learn more about your rights and find rangatahi-specific support to leave home if you’re living in an unsafe situation, check out this link.
If someone is hurting you and you’re able to call the police, you need to call 111. If you’re scared to go to the police, call one of the support services listed above as soon as you can and ask them for help – most of the numbers are free to call and they will do everything they can to make sure you’re safe.
We’re just not getting along right now..
Even if what you’re facing isn’t that bad, dealing with rocky whānau relationships can be extremely hard. While you can’t control the way your whānau choose to behave toward you, you can choose how you support your own wellbeing moving forward.
This might include talking to your parents or caregivers about what you’re struggling with, asking the whānau group to strengthen communications and work together on resolutions, regularly catching up with someone you trust or a mental health professional to talk about what’s going on, or choosing to put some space between you and your whānau and spend less time with them.
If you want to talk to your whānau about what’s bothering you but you don’t know how or what to say, here are some tips to help you prepare:
Write it down – work out what you need to say and what the outcome you want is. This will help you figure out your key points. You can even bring your notes with you to the conversation if you think it will help you keep the conversation on track.
Practice what you’re going to say - If you have a trusted friend you can talk to about what’s going on, ask them to rehearse the conversation with you and work out answers to how they might respond – otherwise going over it by yourself will help too!
Find the best time – don’t approach them while you’re feeling super emotional about what you’re addressing, instead wait until you’ve had some time to process it and both you and them are not too tired, stressed or grumpy. It might take a while to figure out the perfect moment and that’s ok – you don’t need to rush it.
If you’re feeling anxious embarrassed or scared of upsetting them, let them know that – it gives them a heads up that you need them to go easy on you in their response. You could say “I’ve got something I want to talk to you about, but I’m worried you might be upset with me. Is this a good time to talk about it?”
Use your words in a way that doesn’t start with “You did this” but instead starts with “I feel this”, so that they aren’t immediately feeling defensive.
For example, instead of saying “Lately you’ve really been talking down to me and it’s making me feel bad about myself” you could say “I’m really struggling at the moment with how I feel about myself, and when you said I was being an idiot the other day, it really impacted how I was feeling.”
Let them know what you need from them. Do you need them to give you support, or to communicate more with them? Are you asking for a change in the whānau relationship, or do you need them to stop doing something that you think is not ok? Once you’ve told them how you’re feeling, be clear and honest with them about what the outcome is that you need.
Have a support person. If you have a trusted whānau member who can come into the conversation with you, that’s a really good idea, but if not, ask a trusted friend to be available for you to talk to and vent out any frustrations after the conversation is over.
Remember the conversation may not go well, but it’s a start. You’ve identified that something is wrong and you’ve let them know that it’s not ok or that you need a change. If they don’t react well, give it some time, see how things go and reassess whether you need to try addressing it again in a different way.
Whānau can mean different things for different people. Sometimes if things don’t get better and you have to make that choice to distance yourself from your whānau, you may find that over time you can create a new chosen whānau of people who genuinely love and support you. Whatever happens, you are worthy of love and respect and you have the right to feel safe in your whānau situation.
Whatever choices you make and struggles you face, just know that you’ve got this, that communication and a willingness to work together fixes many problems and that you are worthy of love and respect.
Where to get help:
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
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Sometimes life just sucks. It’s like you’re wading through mud – it’s heavy, it clings to you and weighs you down, making even simple actions like taking a step feel incredibly tough.
It’s normal to go through ups and downs and at times to feel sad and heavy, but depression is when that feeling of heavy sadness doesn’t go away. Instead it lasts longer, may get worse and often won’t get better without help. It can affect your ability to do everyday things, feel pleasure or take interest in activities. You may find it really hard to get out of bed in the morning or to do simple things like brushing your teeth, sending a text or going outside. Sometimes there are triggers for depression such as a break up, school stress, losing a loved one, social isolation, medication, family history and so on. You can also become depressed for no reason at all.
Depression is different for everyone but there are some common symptoms and feelings:
Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling hopeless/like a failure
Struggling to do things that used to be a normal part of your life
Feelings of anger and irritability
Feeling guilty
Feeling tired all the time
Struggling to concentrate
Having low self-esteem
Avoiding other people
Struggling in your home or school life
Not wanting to do the things that you used to enjoy
Feeling anxious or worried
Having thoughts of harming yourself
If you’re feeling alone or too embarrassed to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, know that depression isn’t something to be ashamed of – 1 in every 7Kiwi rangatahi is going through it with you. Conquering sadness or depression takes effort, and you shouldn’t try to do it alone.
We often tell ourselves that if we talk to someone, they will think we’re exaggerating our problems, being silly or giving them a burden to deal with. The thing is, this is almost never true! People care a lot more than we give them credit for, and if you speak to someone about what you’re struggling with, you’re likely to find that you have unlocked the bonus of a caring supportive person who will help you get through your tough times.
It’s important to note that sometimes the person you talk to may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up there. Try again with someone else – your struggles are important and just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean what you’re facing isn’t real. The sooner you start getting help, the sooner you will start feeling better.
Where to get help
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
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You’ve probably heard of the term body image before. Body image is how you see, think and feel about your physical appearance. Pretty much everyone feels or has felt self-conscious about or unhappy with many different aspects of their bodies, like weight, height, skin, hair or the shape or size of your body. Have you ever wondered why?
We live in a society that for hundreds of years has told people that their bodies should look a certain way. At one time, people actually were told they needed to be fat to be viewed as attractive, as only rich people could afford to eat enough food to be fat, so it showed that you were privileged.
Since then, society has gone through many different versions of what people thought was ‘ideal’ and ‘attractive’ – this has often focused around having an ideal body shape and having pale skin. When we look at these ideals objectively, we see that they come from a history of sexism, racism and discrimination.
Knowing where this belief comes from, we can understand that when we look at our bodies, how we feel about them doesn’t just come from our own minds – it’s shaped by our beliefs, our families and friends, our life experiences, social media and the expectations of society.
Having this knowledge doesn’t mean that it’s instantly super easy to feel good about yourself though, so it helps if you understand where your body image is at and where you want it to be. When you look at yourself, there are three main ways you might see your body: with positivity, neutrality or negativity.
A positive or healthy body image is feeling happy and satisfied with your body. A person who has positive body image understands that their sense of self-worth does not depend on their appearance.
This person may be accepting and appreciative of their body, including how it looks and what it can do. They may make a choice to believe that their body is beautiful and special and they will love it regardless of its flaws.
Body neutrality / acceptance is a bit different. A person who is choosing to view their body neutrally & with acceptance is someone who focuses on what their body does for them rather than what they look like. For many people, it’s just too hard to view your body with the positive views listed above. So, a person who is accepting of their body understands that there are things about their body that they don’t want to celebrate or pretend that they love, but they can still choose to look after and even appreciate their body because it is useful, it helps them do things they enjoy and it has some pretty cool functions. A body neutral person understands that you don’t have to love how you look to accept yourself.
Going from “I do not like my body” to “I love my body” can be a stretch for a lot of people, and body neutrality & acceptance offers a space to be who you are without judgement and forced positivity.
A negative or unhealthy body image is when you look in the mirror and feel are unhappy or unsatisfied with the way you look. You might not want to look at your body at all or you might feel embarrassed or ashamed and try to keep parts of it covered so others can’t see it. It’s very common to want to change things about your body also.
This is really common in your teens when hormones are doing crazy things to your body, but it often also lasts right through your adult years. It’s a difficult mindset to change but it’s important that you don’t let what you focus on when you look in the mirror change the way you feel on the inside.
Having a negative body image can lead to a range of different struggles for your mental health like body dysmorphia, which is when body image becomes a huge focus and it can have a huge negative impact on your mind and health.
Body Dysmorphia is also often linked to Gender Dysphoria, which is when you feel like there is a mismatch or loss of connection between the gender you were assigned at birth and how you identify. When your body’s physical characteristics don’t match the person that you are inside of it, it can be extra hard to love it. If you’re struggling with feelings like this, you can find support by checking out Rainbow Youth or Outline.
Having a neutral or positive body image can be a tough work in progress but it’s important that we keep trying. It affects us every day of our lives and has a positive impact on the interactions we have in our relationships, school/work environments and everyday activities.
It’s also important to remember that it’s ok to try out new styles and that you don’t have to dress or style the way you look according to gender norms and the way others around you are dressing. Regardless of whether you identify as female, male or gender diverse, it’s ok to dress in whatever makes you happy – whatever that happens to be.
If the way you feel about your body is causing you to feel down a lot, talk to a friend or someone you trust about how you feel. They may be able to help you understand why you’re feeling this way and support you in finding ways to improve how you feel and become a happier version of yourself.
Where to get help:
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
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We all get stressed or anxious sometimes. It’s a very common and normal feeling that everyone experiences at different levels during different times in their lives.
Anxiety happens when your brain thinks there might be something it needs to protect you from, even if there is no threat or danger. You might have felt like this when you had to talk in front of your class, before a try-out, during quiz/exam time or before a performance. Sometimes it can happen for no reason at all.
Even if anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling, it serves a purpose.
You could think about it like a smoke alarm. When a room fills with smoke, the smoke alarm doesn’t know where it’s coming from – it could be a house fire or it could just be the toaster! Either way, its sensors are triggered, the alarm goes off and makes everyone jump into action.
Your anxiety works the same way – your brain is saying something is wrong and it doesn’t know what, but it starts to react anyway and your body’s reactions are activated. When this is happening, your body is surging with a mix of chemicals designed to make you stronger, faster, more alert and more powerful so you can take the action your body needs to survive.
At times your anxiety may trigger something called the fight, flight or freeze response, where your brain tells you to protect yourself by fighting back, running away or freezing and trying not to stand out. This is normal and healthy and everyone has it, but when there is no danger you need to protect yourself from, the chemical fuel that is surging through you starts to build up and make you feel uncomfortable – you may get sweaty, shaky, feel tired, queasy or short of breath or feel your heart beating faster.
A bit of anxiety can be helpful, it can make you think more about the situation you’re in, and can motivate you to get things done or do your best. Most anxiety usually settles once the stressful situation has passed. When anxiety is at this level, you don’t need to do anything except focus on getting through the situation - these anxious thoughts and feelings will probably go away once it’s over.
If you need some practical ways to help you cope with these feelings, check out Small Steps for some helpful tools.
Anxiety is only a problem when you can’t cope with it - when those feelings get so overwhelming that they stop you from doing things in your everyday life and make you feel miserable. If you find yourself at this point, it’s time to reach out for help. Start by talking to someone you trust about how you’re feeling, or reach out to Youthline, What’s Up or a mental health professional.
Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders occur when your anxiety takes over your life and stops you from doing things. They are diagnosed by a mental health professional and can occur in different forms.
Getting a diagnosis is really important as once you know what kind of anxiety you have, you and your support team (your therapist or other mental health professional and other trusted people in your life) can work out a plan to treat it and help you recover.
Generalised Anxiety is when you feel anxious and worry heaps about everyday things, like “Was what I said in the group chat weird, are they going to think there’s something wrong with me?”“or “I’m going to screw up in next week’s exam, I just can’t do it. It’s going to ruin my future”. You may find yourself replaying what’s stressing you over and over in your head and feel like you can’t let it go. You might be really hard on yourself about being perfect, fitting in and doing everything well. For some people, feelings of anxiety might become so overwhelming it can affect you physically.
Many people are also now struggling with Covid Anxiety. This is really common since the beginning of the pandemic and is usually focused around feeling scared of catching covid or of passing it on to someone else, to the point where it’s dominating your thoughts and making you afraid to go out, to be in busy places or be near other people. Due to all the time, we’ve spent at home and avoiding other people over the last few years, even if you’re not specifically scared of catching covid, you still might feel anxious and overwhelmed in public places and when someone gets in your personal space.
Some people with covid anxiety may experience anxiety attacks, when your brain focuses in on what’s making you anxious so intensely that you start to panic and feel physical symptoms. If you think you have been experiencing anxiety attacks, head to Small Steps and practice the Deep Breathing and Muscle Relaxation techniques you’ll find there, and use them next time you think an anxiety attack is coming on. A mental health professional can also help you learn to control your anxiety attacks and reach a point where they no longer happen.
Another common type of anxiety disorder is Social Anxiety. This can take over when you meet new people, have to speak in class, make phone calls or other situations where someone’s attention is on you.
Your fear of talking to strangers, having people stare at you, potentially embarrassing yourself or just having a conversation with someone you’re not comfortable with can be so intense that you can start avoiding these situations and not want to interact with other people.
Phobias are a fear or anxiety that’s about something specific – like if you’re intensely scared of spiders, the dark or being in small spaces. These might sound harmless (and they often are) but for the person with the phobia it’s really tough. Most people who experience phobias aren’t harmed by them but if it starts to get in the way of living your life, you need to talk to someone you trust and ask them for help.
However your anxiety feels, if this excessive worry gets in the way of your life, doesn’t go away or has physical effects on your body, that’s a sign that you should tell someone you trust about how you’re feeling and ask them for help. If you’re willing to see your doctor or a mental health professional, they can help you find ways to manage and eventually overcome your anxiety.
You’re not alone in what you’re feeling. Heaps of people experience anxiety and everyone finds it a tough thing to face. Making progress in how you feel can take time and you’ll have some good and bad days, but managing and overcoming your anxiety is definitely possible.
It’s important to note that sometimes the person you talk to may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up there. Try again with someone else. You are important, your experience is valid and just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean what you’re facing isn’t real.
Getting help and support
If you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to, try calling Youthline, What’s Up or the 24/7 Anxiety Helpline to talk to someone who cares and can offer you support.
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School seems to be all about grades, right? And everyone says the only way to get there is by studying and working hard. They expect you to do more and more, until it can feel like there’s just too much to do.
It is important to try and do your best in school as it sets you up to succeed as an adult, but at times the juggling of study, attending school, mahi/work, your whānau, extracurricular activities like sport and music, relationships and life in general can eventually add up and begin to overwhelm you. Even when it’s stuff you love doing, it can sometimes feel like you’re overloaded.
As you progress through high school and begin your NCEA levels, it’s common to begin to feel stressed, tired and overwhelmed by the study that is expected of you. If you think you might be suffering from study stress, here are some things you might be feeling:
Mentally and physically exhausted
Struggling to focus
Low energy and lack of motivation to attend class or get assignments done
Getting mad at your friends or family more often because of frustration
Physical symptoms like headaches and stomach aches
Feelings of anxiety
If you start to recognise some of the symptoms above in yourself, it might be time to make some changes for the sake of your mental health and well-being.
You can try:
Taking breaks – try to get some time in every week to relax and recharge your batteries
Say no to commitments that will make you more stressed, and think about some healthy boundaries you can set
Look at your schedule and prioritise what’s most important for you. If there’s a parent or caregiver involved in your decisions, ask them to help you make a plan that will reduce the pressure on you.
Have a chat with your teacher or lecturer and let them know you’re struggling. Ask them for support and advice on how to manage your workload in a way that supports you to succeed and ensures you have a healthy balance in your life.
Physical activity – go for a walk or run or take some time to play your favourite sport
Practice self-care by listening to music, baking or cooking, taking some time for something you enjoy or simply just going outside for some fresh air
Check out www.smallsteps.org.nz for some tools to help you manage your stress and relax your mind.
It’s important to make sure you get the physical and mental rest that you need to reset and recharge, as if you keep pushing through you could burn out and reach a point where you can’t do any of it.
Even though they might not seem like they understand everything you’re going through, parents, caregivers and teachers totally know how it feels to be overloaded. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for extra support. They may be able to help take some pressure off you or give you some guidance if you’re worried you’ll fall behind on your work or miss an assignment deadline.
Remember, even if you do fail a test, your NCEA or even a Uni paper, it’s not going to ruin your life. You’re going to be fine, and once you’re out of school your bosses won’t even care what your grades were. The same goes for if you have to drop out of school for any reason. There is always more time to study if you want to upskill at any point in your life, and some of the best jobs come with learned experience not qualifications anyway.
Learning Disabilities
If you have a learning disability, this may be another reason you’re feeling overwhelmed by school. If a learning disability is having an impact on your ability to study and succeed in school, you may be able to find help in the support systems available to you. Check out the following links for some good options you may qualify for. Remember, who you are is not judged by what you can do, and having struggles doesn’t mean you’re not smart.
If you’re really struggling with stress overload and feel burnt out, you’ve tried to make changes but it just isn’t getting any easier or you feel like you can’t bear to face each day, it’s important that you talk to someone you trust or your school counsellor about how you’re feeling and ask them for support.
Where to get help:
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
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Identity is at the core of who you are as an individual and as a member of groups in society. Your identity is unique and fluid – who you are now may be different to who you are tomorrow, next year and in your future. It can also be incredibly confusing. It can take a long time to figure out who you feel you are, and you may find yourself finding and then feeling like you have lost your identity many times through your life.
Your identity is shaped by many different factors:
The way you look – skin colour, body shape, hair, eyes, height, sex characteristics etc.
Your gender identity and gender expression
Your sexual identity
Your ethnicity – your family and where they come from, where you were born, where you have lived and where you live now, your languages and your accent.
Your culture – your customs, practices and world views
Your beliefs – your religion, morals and what matters to you.
What you do – how you express yourself creatively, what you do for work, how you like to live, exercise, have fun and relax.
Experiences in your life
Your dreams – who you want to be and what you want to do.
What you think about yourself has a big impact on the way you feel about life. Your identity holds importance because it gives you a sense of purpose and belonging. It impacts the way you think, the words you use, what matters to you, your actions and your relationships with others.
Sometimes you can also lose sight of your identity. Perhaps people have attached labels to you that differ from how you see yourself. Maybe your family hold certain expectations of you around what career you choose or what religious beliefs you must hold.
Maybe your gender or sexuality is different to others around you, and it’s difficult to tell people about your experiences or find friends who can help you understand key pieces of your identity.
Perhaps you just realise that who you saw yourself as previously doesn’t feel like you anymore. That’s pretty common too.
It’s important to remember that this is just a stage of your life, and over time you will become confident in yourself again. These changes can also be really positive for us so it might be helpful to see this period as an evolution of who you are, becoming closer to your ultimate self.
Sometimes parts of who you are may feel like they’re in conflict with each other.
This is completely normal – it sucks, but it’s okay to feel that way and it’s also okay to take your time in exploring how you can introduce who you are as a whole into certain parts of your life.
You don’t have to fix or change yourself for anyone and you don’t have to hide who you are unless you want to.
This is your journey and you can take it at your own pace – you get to decide when, how and with whom you share your full authentic self.
If you’re struggling with your identity, it can be really tough on your mental health. It’s important to not struggle with this alone, so reach out to someone you trust to talk about how you’re feeling so that they can support you.
Where to get help:
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
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Having good friendships is really important to our happiness. It helps us to feel secure in our lives, gives us someone to talk to about whatever is on our mind, and gives us special people to hang out with and enjoy the things we like to do together. They can be someone you can talk to about the things you can’t share with anyone else – not even your family. A good friend is someone who’s there for you when you need support, and that’s important to have in your life.
Relationships – Friendships
Having good friendships is really important to our happiness. It helps us to feel secure in our lives, gives us someone to talk to about whatever is on our mind, and gives us special people to hang out with and enjoy the things we like to do together. They can be someone you can talk to about the things you can’t share with anyone else – not even your family. A good friend is someone who’s there for you when you need support, and that’s important to have in your life.
Making friends
One of the easiest way to find potential new friends is to think about the people who already exist in your wider life. Think friends of friends, the people you know at school but don’t really hang out with, or your sports teammates.
Try and identify a few of these people who you like and would want to be friends with, and follow them on Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat. Over the next little while, start engaging with their stories and content. If something they’ve posted is cool, give it a like. Try responding to one of their stories with a positive message or a question, and see if they engage with that – it could turn into a conversation.
If they respond to you in a friendly way, keep it up – try and start conversations about things they’re posting about, and from there, see if you can keep those conversations going into other topics.
You could say something like “Hey, have you seen Demon Slayer? I can’t wait for the new season!” and if they have, ask them another question related to the topic. If they haven’t, then ask them what they are into and see if there’s something else there you can connect on.
It can take time to build a connection with someone and it won’t always work – not everyone will be a good fit for you as a friend and not everyone will have room in their life or even want to be your friend, but that’s ok. Just like you probably know some people who just aren’t your type of person, you’re not going to be everyone else’s type and if you can recognise that that’s ok, it might save you feeling hurt unnecessarily. Don’t give up trying!
Losing a friendship
At times, too, you may lose friendships. This can be painful and make you question yourself and the relationship you had, but remember that friendships have seasons and many of the connections you find yourself developing with others aren’t meant to last. When you’re at a certain stage of your life you might connect really well with someone, but over time you both move on and grow in yourselves, you have less in common or less to say to each other, and find new friends. That’s ok.
It’s normal to feel sad and even grieve when you realise you’re not close with a former friend anymore, but try to think of the relationship as a positive thing in your life that you’re glad you got to enjoy, and now as you’ve grown, it’s time to look forward to what’s coming next.
Keeping your Identity intact
Finding good friends to start with is really tough - especially ones you can trust and who help you see the best in yourself. Friends will come and go in your life but the really good ones stick with you and stick up for you no matter what.
It’s important to remember that you – exactly as you are – are enough and you are awesome. You don’t need to change yourself to make other people like you, and if your friends want you to change who you are and what you like in order to fit in, they may not be a positive part of your life. Stick to your values and don’t let a friend’s opinion change your identity and what you believe in.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t try to grow as a person though! At times our friends can help us become more aware of areas in which we could do better, and that’s a good thing. Just keep an eye on how they’re influencing you and whether the changes you make are making you feel like a happier, more evolved version of yourself or whether you’re starting to feel disconnected from yourself and your roots.
Pro tip - It is important not to trust people too easily, so take your time and make sure you know who someone really is before you fully trust them. If you make an online friend, ask them to video chat with you to confirm who they are. If they give you a lot of excuses and don’t want to, that’s a red flag and you need to be very careful about how you interact with them.
If you’re being asked for money or find yourself having to pay for everything when you’re out together, that’s a big red flag and you should re-evaluate that friendship and whether the person is taking advantage of you.
Struggling to connect?
If you’re more introverted than others, it can be especially hard because putting yourself out there in new situations and talking to people you don’t know well can feel scary, stressful and exhausting. Reaching out and connecting with others, however, is the best way to resolve that gap in your life where you’re needing a friend.
If you find in-person interactions tough, it’s ok to use the internet to connect with new people as long as you’re safe. Instagram, Discord, Snapchat and other internet forums and social media platforms give us a place to meet people without the pressure of an in-person conversation or busy environment. Just be careful to make safe choices and never meet someone from the internet in person without bringing a buddy, and never share personal details like your address with someone until you’re sure you know who they are and that you can trust them.
Friendship troubles
It’s not all easy though, even the best friendships can also be difficult. We’re all different, unique people, so it’s natural that you’re not going to agree on everything. Even best mates have their ups and downs and sometimes they just don’t get you.
Problems with friends are normal. Everyone goes through it. But if your friends are giving you crap all the time, or they’re not accepting you for who you are or listening to what you have to say, it can start to affect the way you feel about yourself.
If you’re feeling like your friends don’t care about you, take a step back and think about why. Are they just really busy right now, or are they dealing with their own problems? Have you grown apart? Maybe they’re really just not being present with you, when you hang out?
It could be that your mates just aren’t the kind of people you need them to be. You can tell if someone is being a caring and present friend to you by looking at the actions they take –both big and small – that show they care.
If they’re talking behind your back in ways that hurt you, leaving you out of things, or saying unkind things to you then this is bullying. Yes, bullying can even come from the people you see as your friends.
Friendships can come in a variety of shapes and forms. You might have a close group of mates, a few individual friends who don’t really know each other, or even just one bestie. You might see them every day at school, once a week at practice, live close to each other or live in different countries and talk online.
However often you see your mates, continue to check in with yourself and your friends around whether your friendship is working for you both or not. Different people have different needs, and while one friend might need heaps of time to hang out, and others may just want to catch up every now and then.
But how do you tell if a friendship is positive?
A positive friendship can look like:
Telling the truth, even when it can be hard to. You’re both open and honest about who you are when you’re with each other.
Building each other up, encouraging each other to live your best lives and wanting to see each other achieve.
Genuinely caring about each other. Being kind, respectful and not judging despite what’s going on in your lives.
Sticking with each other even when you make mistakes.
Understanding each other’s unique differences and not trying to change each other.
It’s important to remember that friends sometimes hurt each other, but you can always apologize and forgive. Sometimes it might be hard to swallow your pride, but it’s worth it to keep that person in your life.
In contrast, sometimes there are people who we think are our friends, but they actually don’t really care about us as much as they appear to. We need to be careful when having a friendship with these people as they can hurt us or cause problems in our lives.
A friend who is having a negative impact on you might be:
Talking about you behind your back
Constantly putting you down
Not wanting you to spend time with your other friends or meet new people
Not willing to compromise in disagreements
Encouraging you to do things that might harm you or get you in trouble
If you think you have friends like this, it may be time to create some distance. Ending any friendship is never easy, but by choosing to see them less and creating space between you, it will allow you to take the time to see if the friendship is truly right for you.
Having good friends is important, but it’s also important to be a good friend to yourself. Be the type of ideal friend that you want to have, and people will be drawn to you and enjoy spending time with you.
When you’re trying to figure out who you are, your friends will play a big part. Think of your close friends and your family as your mirrors. It’s not always easy, but the best thing you can do is be true to yourself. That way when you’re around your friends, the reflection of yourself that you see back from them will be someone you admire, and not someone you don’t like.
If you’re finding that your friendships – or lack of them – is having an impact on your mental health, or you want to talk through any worries about friendships that you have, reach out to a trusted adult or mental health professional and share with them how you’re feeling. They can help you to navigate difficult situations and relationships and ensure that your mental health is supported.
Where to get help:
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
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Living with a disability looks completely different to everyone, depending on who you are, what your disability is and how much it impacts you. Whatever your disability looks like, it is a part of your identity that sets you apart as unique – resourceful, capable, strong and able to adapt to whatever life throws at you.
Your disability may give you advantages that others don’t have – like the ability to think in different ways, process information differently and look outside the box.
A disabled body has to adapt to being used in a different way than other bodies, giving you different strengths and skills to others that will sometimes provide you with a unique advantage.
While these advantages do exist for many, some of you may be thinking “But my disability doesn’t give me any of those” and that’s a real and valid experience also. Some disabilities just suck, you don’t benefit from them in any way and the reality is that they just make your life harder.
If that’s the case for you, don’t feel like you have to find the positives in your experience or that you have to have a happy spin on your story to make others feel better about your experience.
It’s ok if you only have negative feelings about it. Your disability isn’t your identity and you can define who you are and find your happiness in other parts of your life.
If you’re struggling to stop your disability from impacting the things that make you happy, it may help if you talk to someone you trust and ask them to help you make a plan to minimise its impact on your life in those areas.
Finding support in friendships
Your disability can also give you all sorts of challenges on a daily basis. This is tough at times for everyone with disabilities but it can be especially hard when you’re young as you navigate different challenges than the other kids in school. It’s entirely normal and ok to feel like you’re struggling, and it’s important that you know you’re not alone.
Finding friends who identify with what you’re going through and will support and advocate for you is one of the biggest steps you can take to empower yourself and support your own mental wellbeing.
Having someone in your life who is where you’re at and gets what you’re going though because they’re living it too is incredibly empowering for both of you, and gives you the chance to create a friendship where you can support each other through not only the fun times but also the pain, the struggles and the frustrated vents.
Even if you don’t make that connection with someone, it can still be helpful to know that you’re not alone and to spend time with people who accept where you’re at and don’t ask you to explain your disability or be anything more than your authentic self.
You can find this connection in real life through support groups and communities like Phab, where you can find and connect with others going through the same experiences as you.
One thing you always need to remember is that your disability is not your identity. You are a smart, talented and likeable person in so many ways that have nothing to do with your disability. You are you first and your disability second, and when you find true friendships and healthy relationships, this is how these people will see you and relate to you.
Navigating the system
It can be really tough to get support for your mental health as a disabled person. To be honest, New Zealand’s medical and support systems are far from perfect and mental health professionals and disability professionals don’t work together or cross lanes with each other. For you, that can mean that if you seek support for your mental health, you may really struggle to get it as people may see your disability as the only thing you need support for, and refuse to acknowledge that your mental wellbeing is in need of very different care.
Getting a diagnosis and adequate support for our disability is a battle that can take years, and often once we finally achieve that, it’s taken so much fight and hard work that we settle for that and don’t try to seek out more help for other things like our mental health that are still struggling. People might tell us that it’s too hard, that we have too many problems and that they can’t cater to us.
As hard as it is to keep fighting for what you need, it’s so important not to give up – especially when it’s your mental health at stake.
If you have people in your life who can support you and advocate for you, this is where you can ask them for help. You are not a burden or a problem to people who care about you, so don’t let those thoughts hold you back from asking for help. You’re not supposed to do this alone!
Advocates
An advocate is someone who supports you in achieving the outcomes you need by providing you with knowledge and support, amplifying your voice and – at times – speaking or acting on your behalf when you need them to.
When someone is advocating for you, whether it’s a parent, a teacher, a teacher aide or even a friend, it’s important to make sure that they are amplifying your voice rather than drowning you out.
If you feel like you aren’t being heard or respected by an advocate or that someone is speaking for you rather than with you, it’s important to address that. If you feel that you can talk to them directly, go for it, but if not, try telling someone you trust about how this person is making you feel and ask them to support you in having a conversation with them about how you need them to advocate for you respectfully.
If someone isn’t respecting you in the way they advocate for you and talking to them isn’t the answer, it’s also ok for you to ask for someone else to take over this role. When it’s a parent that may not always be possible, but don’t be afraid to have those conversations with the people you trust about what needs to happen for you to feel respected and supported.
Here is a list of organisations that support the disabled persons community.
Struggling?
At times you may just feel really sad about what you’re facing, what your friends can do that you can’t do, or what you’ve lost. It’s okay to feel down. It’s ok to be sad about your hospital appointments, about the pain you’re dealing with and the things you miss out on when you’re stuck at home recovering from another pain flare, relapse or procedure. You don’t have to get over it. You don’t have to put a smile on your face and you don’t have to pretend that you’ve got your shit together.
If your disability happened later in life (as in you weren’t born with it) there may be times when you feel really miserable about not being able to do everything you used to. It’s okay to feel all of these things and absolutely everyone going through this will feel the same at times. You are allowed to have bad days, to feel shitty and to hate what you’re experiencing. You’ll adjust to many aspects of your disability with time but you don’t have to feel anything positive about it right now.
It’s essential to remember that you are unique and important, that your disability is not a bad thing and that anyone who talks down to you or says unkind things about your disability is in the wrong.
While you may not be able to change your disability, you can reduce its impact on your daily life. There are some really good organisations that care about you and are here to support you. Check out Yes Disability services, Recreate disability services and have a look at this site also so you can fully understand your rights.
If you’ve been feeling down a lot lately or you think the impact of your disability is causing your mental health to suffer, the very best thing you can do is to talk to a trusted friend, a parent or a professional about how you’re feeling. Having someone to talk to about what you’re going through can make a huge difference and they can help you access services that will support you to improve your wellbeing.
We often tell ourselves that if we talk to someone, they will think we’re exaggerating our problems, being silly or giving them a burden to deal with. The thing is, this is almost never true! People care a lot more than we give them credit for, and if you speak to someone about what you’re struggling with, you’re likely to find that you have just unlocked the bonus of a caring supportive person who will help you get through your tough times.
Where to get help:
If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, call Lifeline on 0508 82 88 65 now to talk to someone who cares and can support you.
